Two weeks from today I will celebrate my 49th birthday.
It’s not the BIG birthday, of course. Nevertheless, I’m heading towards that 50th milestone. Half a century. There’s no denying midlife now.
But I’m not there… yet. What to do with this “before time?”
For his 40th birthday, comedian Trevor Noah gathered in South Africa with two of his closest friends for his podcast: What Now? Anele Mdoda asked her friend what was happening in the days, weeks, months leading up to Trevor’s birthday and his decision to transition from The Daily Show. She playfully argues with Trevor that the “before time” is fertile ground. The Universe has a way of conspiring, agreed Sizwe Dhlomo in the conversation, setting up events to push you towards your future.
Is the Universe conspiring? I wondered. Or are we “Midlifers” simply experiencing the Universe - and Life itself - from a different place, a different perspective? In our younger years, it is too easy to blame someone else for the state of our lives. Parents. Friends. Community. Schools. “There’s a certain age,” Anele Mdoda tells her friends, “where if you're unhappy, it’s your fault. Prior to that, you can outsource your unhappiness because of that person, because of the pandemic, because of that. You get to a place where… you decide to own your BS.”
Midlife gives us the fertile ground necessary to claim the circumstances of our lives. Of course, we are not islands. Our families, communities, systems and events impact who we are. They create the tension. Our middle years teach us that we are responsible for how we negotiate these circumstances. Are we brave enough to respond from a place of integrity?
49 ~ this “before time” ~ is my fertile ground for claiming who I truly am and how I will live the remainder of my days.
Not unlike the training before the marathon. If I’ve learned anything from running, the actual event is not what matters. It is, in fact, all about the training. Saying Yes to an intention day in and day out. Saying Yes to living from what truly matters to us. And saying No to the repeated attempts to pull us away from integrity, even when it causes conflict.
Recently, I was assigned Martha Beck’s The Way of Integrity. Midlifers are not her primary audience. It’s really for anyone who feels they have lost their way in life. Beck’s way ~ her recipe for integrity ~ is taken from another manual: Dante’s The Divine Comedy written by the Italian author way back in the 1300s. I guess “losing our way” is a common human experience. Not unlike puberty.
Yet, Dante’s epic journey isn’t the story about a young man finding his way to adulthood. It begins (funny enough) in the middle of his life: “Midway through the journey of our life, I found myself in a dark forest, for the right way was lost.”
Disoriented. In a fog. Off-track. Alone.
I could relate.
Even though I love my life…
Even though I feel incredible fortunate…
Even though I have extraordinary privilege…
I have experienced a persistent, nagging feeling that I was lost on the road of life. It began in my 37th year… since the beginning of my “Middle Ages.” What was wrong with me?! I told myself that I just needed to get over myself. Change my perspective. Be more grateful.
If I looked deeper still, I was afraid that if I admitted these feelings, I would jinx my life. I would wish misfortune, pain and suffering on myself and those I love.
Martha Beck invited me to reconsider. It wasn’t that I was unhappy. Not necessarily. She invited me to use these “Middle Ages” as a time to align (or re-align) body, mind, heart and soul.
In my 49th year, I have decided to let Martha Beck guide me from the dark wood of error to the inferno, from the inferno to purgatory, from purgatory to paradise. Each week, until I arrive at my 50th birthday, I will write about the “training” here on Substack, remembering it’s not about the destination.
I invite you to come along for the journey. Because I’ve discovered that a community makes all of the difference.
Read Beck’s book, if you like. Join in the exercises. Find an accountability partner. Share your insights and resistance with your own coach/therapist/spiritual directors. Read about my journey here and comment below (with kindness, please).
For example, my best friend and I have been engaging Beck’s exercises and sharing our responses on our weekly call. There is something truly hardcore about admitting my hell gates and demons to anyone, even someone who has known me since I was 7 years old. Let me tell you. I squirm. In listening to my friend’s hell gates, I also learn that I’m not alone. Midlife is a necessary phase of life. We’ve been getting lost since the 1300s (at least).
If you’d like to engage midlife more deeply ~ outside of The Way of Integrity ~ I’d love to see you at LeaderWise’s upcoming program MidLife: The Heart of Your Story. I’ll let you know when registration opens….
The truth is that we are always coming of age. No matter what age we are. So, fellow Love Prophets, how will we choose to love ourselves to discover the heart of our story?